oh hey, i have a blog. i almost forgot.

With the gratifying but demanding schedule changes i've been torturing myself with in the last few months, it was hard not to forget about the blog. But I feel like I owe my (3) readers a little more self-absorbed stimulation (or do I mean I owe it to myself?), so here I go.

Things that have changed since my last post on July 29: I have changed jobs, drastically changed my diet and exercise habits and started going back to school. In total, a complete re-vamp of my life. The obvious outcome: I feel fantastic and am on a pretty constant natural high most of the time, save the occasional "holy-shit-I-miss-sleeping" freak out. The less expected realization? It took me feeling this great to realize that I may have been depressed before all the change, but more on that later.

The Job:

I am still nannying, but have happily found a new family. This was a necessary change. It is now truly close to impossible to justify the (insulting) amount of money I was getting paid in relation to the (also insulting) mistreatment and torturous ways of my last slave-driver, I mean, boss. Okay, okay I suppose I am exaggerating just a teeensy bit. But buying weed and designer clothes in bulk and then paying your hard-working and (more importantly) ultra-loving nanny a colosal 12 dollar/hr less then the average rate while complaining about how expensive she is...sometimes people's priorities are so demented. Enough about that.

The new family is amazing. The mom is a psychologist and works with disabled children for the public school system. Yes, this means she made the choice to get paid a whole lot less to have a job where she was definitely more needed, and I'm sure, worked harder. She puts her 2 boys before everything and they're nature is the evidence of that. They are sweet, well-behaved, hyper-intelligent, and extremely happy. An unfortunately rare and very awesome combination to be found in a small child. Very awesome, indeed.

The diet/exercise: I am not fooling anyone by trying to pretend like this shouldn't have been in order long, long ago. The truth is, I've "attempted" this part of the re-vamp roughly 4,567x in my life. I put those quotations around the word attempted for the very reason that a half ass attempt is no attempt at all.

The old bottom line? I love food. Ask anyone close to me; in the short list of ultimate loves-of-my-life, cooking extravagantly and experiencing cuisine is number 3, right after music and children. Some weeks I would go to the gym like a junkie, for hours, but still come home and make twice fried eggplant parmigiana with a side of buttermilk-cheese-sauce coated pasta and stuffed mushrooms - not exactly the Beyonce plan. Other phases included practically starving myself and no exercise at all, or a ridiculous abundance of it. There was never balance. Moreover, I have always been basically satisfied with my physicality and have always felt good about myself, and have a wonderful boyfriend who still thinks I'm sexy. But after 60+ pounds in the last 2 years (yikes) on top of an already 50+ overweight load (double friggen yikes) it was really hard to still feel that way. So I stopped trying, and gave in to the only clear thing left: The fact that I'm just not healthy, and I am too young to give up on changing that.

The new bottom line:?weight watchers (fabulous life-changing program I've done before with fantastic results. The only "diet" that is really no diet at all) + a completely sensible exercise plan that does not wear me out but still manages to work me out pretty well. The perfect balance. It has been 4 weeks and I have lost 10 pounds. Go me!

School: The pushing factor can all be summed up in one quote from a wise ole' Danny Glover: "I'm too old for this shit." It is time to get the FUCK (yes, the big fuck in caps is absolutely necessary) out of the black hole that is De Anza and transfer. It sounds cheesy, but I want to be someone my parents are proud of. Though my dad is the number one fan of The Emerald Hill, I know that he could not die a completely happy man without the visual imprint my BA will leave on his brain. With the happy combination of the other 2 points listed above, I have been doing so well in this endeavor and am getting straight A's. Can I give myself another "Go me"? Well, I am.

All in all, I am happy. The novelty has even worn off, and while I'm not constantly ecstatic per say, I am satisfied and proud of myself. Most importantly, I realize that this will be a long up hill battled. but I'm ready. I'm going. I'm going to get there. And that is feeling I've not been familiar with in a long, long time.

Go me. :)

Recently I discovered some accesible beauty here in this valley made of microchips, suburbs and way too many Starbucks. It wasn't the first time i'd been up to this spot but it was the first time I was old enough to give an appropriate shit about it, and really realize its value. A 5 minute drive from my house and I've got a great calorie sweat burn, with beautiful sights and ample picture opportunities, kind of like this one.

Hopefully this addiction will last. It's kicking my ass and making me high, and I love it.

"Welcome to Costco, I love you."

For those of you that see or communicate with me on a regular basis, it is likely that you are familiar with my "Idiocracy" rants. Refrencing or suggesting the viewing of this film is usually my response to almost anything related to the seemingly-growing-stupidity of the human race.

you: "I saw a family at the fair the other day and their 2 year old was drinking coca-cola out of a bottle."
me: "I hope they see Idiocracy. Maybe it will open their eyes. Have you seen idiocracy? you should really see it. it's the realization of the future if we don't do something to stop it!"

you: "Did you hear about the lady who was driving alone in her RV and turned on the cruise control and went into the back to make herself a cup of coffee and died? What a shame."
me: "Actually it's really not such a shame. You know what is? People not seeing idiocracy. Things like this will continue to happen, and at a much more rapid pace stupid people do not STOP pro-creating!!!"


Ok, yes, I fully realize that even if every single person on the planet watched this movie, as critcally as they were capable of doing, it would make the smallest most microscopic difference, if even that. In fact most of the not-so-smart people that I know who have seen it think that the basis of the movie is stupid and ridiculous (gee, I wonder why that is?). It's one of those things that's only beneficial to the people who already think the way the movie wants them to think, and in turn, the benefits are not those they are intended to be.

My most recent Idiocracy-rant was inspired by a plethora of childcare related issues. The catalyst were mine and my boss's constant opposing ideas about right and wrong as far as her son was concerned. As a Nanny of 6 years, with every new family there always comes a time (specifically with new parents) when the sarcastic "well, you are the Nanny, so you must know better than me" comments creep their way into early morning conversations. In my internal monologue response, I'm usually agreeing and ignoring their sass. Out loud, I always try to preform the perfect balance of not sounding offended/not offending their parenting at the same time. But sometimes, that is insanely difficult. The truth is I have no patience for the avoidance of baby proofing so as not to make your house "look tacky and ugly" or buying a properly safe and comfortable high chair because you "can't find one that matches your kitchen." I know. it is ridiculous. More over, it makes my job impossible, when I am running around, arms full of 2 drooling and crying babes, already getting into everything, having to sit their diapered butts on the kitchen counter to feed them and follow their fast crawling legs and arms EVERYWHERE to make sure that 10 pound decorative glass vase (so useful, btw) doesn't topple on to them or that they don't eat some potpourri. C'mon! Give us a break, Mommy!

These are only a few of several examples of the general absurdities I've seen through out my Nanny career. Of course, not all Mommies are crazy (most of the ones I've worked for are not) but who ever writes about sanity anymore? that's no fun.

Work frustrations became a hot topic of conversation with my friends and family and the conversation always seemed to turn back to a fantasy me and my cousin Anna have always had: The idea of approving a person to become a parent. A "Parent Test," if you will. Sure, it has it's very obvious flaws that would make it an impossible American reality (the fine line between opinion and fact, a way to even manage such a testing system, and most obviously, the fact that it would go against basic biological and human rights), but if there were a test, some kind of mandatory schooling at LEAST, then maybe some of these men and women would think a little further into the future before actually procreating, be it accidentally or not. There has to be some way of making people understand that once you have a child, NOTHING ELSE CAN COME FIRST. The commitment is really larger than life.

Maybe it's easy for me to be so judgmental because I dont have children of my own. But I think it's really important to emphasize that I by no means expect perfection from anyone. Even the most perfect of people make mistakes. What I do hope for is the possibility that all parents (or potential parents) could understand that with every move, word, action and decision that they make, they are sculpting and molding the people their children will become.

Just try to wrap your head around that massive responsibility for a second. Because if we don't, the future for our chilren's children's children's children could be extremely grim.

You know, this is reminding me of this great movie I saw once. It's called Idiocracy. Oh, you haven't seen it? You really should.......

Blog #1 or: Life and Times on a Rosacoaster

I have been so hesitant about the prospect of a blog about my life. Naturally, I over thought and analyzed it almost into oblivion. well, I suppose since you are reading this, and you are not me, I managed to actually over think it into a reality. But honestly I've begun to write this impulsively, just as most things by me are created. Because if it isn't on impulse, my brain could go on for days, months, even years pitting the positives and the negatives of any given choice against each other. Yes, what i'm trying to say is that the inside of my head is basically at a constant state of war about one or (usually) mutiple thing(s).

My first blog ever was homed by livejournal.com and was a complete joke. Granted, I was 15, and what (except sex) isnt at that age.

Wait, did i just say "except sex"? More like especially sex.

Anyway, I wrote about terribly interesting events. For example:
almost being grounded for getting a C in Math, the first time i got totally "wasted" (aka pretending to be totally wasted based on examples shown on "Beverly Hills 90210"), about my addiction to candy, my first experience with a vibrator (and oh how edgy I thought I was for mentioning said experience) about how much i loved the song "Crash" by Dave Matthews. There were also entries of my angsty, emotional, hormonal and mediocre poetry, and a lot more about all the stupid girls in the world (which, by the way, was every girl except me). I wrote a lot about how much of a "complete ass hole" my dad was, and it's funny the amount of reality 5+ years of living can bring a person. Where I once magicked a jerk in place of my father, i now see a desperate and scared man that was so frightened of the stupid choices his only daughter was making. Basically, this blog is now the 4 or so year account of the most embarassing shit I could ever think to say.

So it took me about 6 years to get up the courage to be confident in my own thoughts and to even consider that I had anything to share with the public worth reading. Truth is I'm still pretty unsure of that, but here I go anyway. Favorite blogger's like my dear friend President Wishnack definitely helped with some inspiration. He makes his life and the events in it(not all that different from my own) interesting and funny and worth reading. He made me realize that the things people like to read about the most are things that, ultimately, they can relate to. I don't think I could get as many "ha-ha funny's" out of people, but I am hoping for some "ha-ha that's true's". Maybe in my own ridiculous and outlandish mistakes (often repeated) and realities, I can help people see some humor in things that are otherwise heartbreaking or tragic (or even just plain boring) in their own lives. Let's hope I don't fuck up and mention Dave Matthews.

Between my adventures of taking care of 2 infants at the same time, my love/warfare between on again off again boyfriend of 4 years, heroin addicted friends, the happenstance of an always-growing-more-successful (because success is relative) band that was born between aforementioned boyfriend and I, my passionate and personal opinions on keeping this country pro-choice, the amount i am contributing to the economic boost through my shopping addiction (which I absolutely cannot afford) and, most importantly, my big-mouth(both metaphorically and physically), I hope that I am brought inspiration to write on a some-what frequent basis.

in other words, stay-tuned.